What Measure of a Megatron

Posted on July 1, 2019 by tainkirrahe

Hi, I’m Becka.

Hi Becka.

And I just…really love Megatron.

What?

Well! I mean! He’s just such a great character, isn’t he? Such a cool villain with a really rad name and he’s normally all silver and angry and always mucking up his plans…

Ma’am, this is a Wendy’s.

…Okay, if I buy some of whatever a Wendy’s sells, can I carry on talking about Megatron?

No.

Fiiiine. I’ll just have to do it the old-fashioned bloggy way, then.

It’s July 2019, which means that Megatron has been my favourite Transformer for a decade now. Hugo Weaving’s particularly impressive olfactory skills were my first exposure to the character, sitting in my parents’ living room cheering on the cavalcade of robots whose importance to pop culture I did not quite understand at that point, and thinking the big silver guy all covered in ice like that pack of sausages I bought two years ago and left in the freezer “for emergencies” was pretty damn cool. The G1 cartoon soon followed, and then Transformers: Animated, and then a brief stint with Transformers: Prime (it’s awesome, but not for me), and finally a complete binge of Beast Wars. Recently I have dabbled tentatively with Beast Machines and am considering doing a full days’ marathon, but for now I am content with fast-forwarding through the episodes to find the Megatron parts.

(I’m sad they never made a toy of his adorable little traitorous drone).

But hitting my 10 year Transformers anniversary (Anniformersry? Sorry, Thew) made me wonder just why I liked this character so much – why I consider myself to be a moral person with good judgement, but it’s always the villain who attracts my attention. Usually this signifies that the protagonist/protagonist team of a franchise is just a bit wet, but the strength of Transformers has always been that the heroes are just as interesting as the villains – after all, they’re there to sell toys. You can’t sell a toy of Boring McVanillapants when Boring McVanillapants is a giant space robot and needs to be at least as interesting as a Furby.

I’ll admit I am that sort of person who always finds the villain more interesting than the protagonist, usually because the protagonist exists to maintain the status quo whilst the villain exists to shake it up (note I am not using ‘antagonist’ here because sometimes this includes characters who purport to be on the ‘good side’ but are so into maintaining the status quo that they loop right around to being the ‘bad side’ – the best current example I can think of is Heaven still wanting a holy war in Good Omens when Aziraphale and Crowley’s relationship proves that peace is achievable).

And villains just downright have more fun, usually because they don’t really care about how they appear to those around them. I’m not a sociopath advocating for The Joker to be our next messiah (because the people who do usually end up being those people who think that SJW is an insult and consider Superman being an immigrant story to be Modern Diversity Ruining Comics), but I am saying that watching Jack Nicholson fart around Gotham City doing ridiculous shit will always be infinitely more entertaining than watching Christian Bale brood in a cave.

Also, villains are just sexier.

So yesterday on Ye Olde Twitters Dot Com, I asked my followers who their favourite Megatron was and collated the responses together per Megatron to see what exactly the wider Transformers fandom (as represented by people who follow me, obviously not a scientific sample but still with more street cred than an Antivax blog) considers to be The Quintessential Megatron Qualities. I’ve gone through the 151 replies (no wonder my phone ran out of battery quicker than a Sega GameGear) and picked out the key words each respondee has applied to their Megatron of choice to deduce how to create The Ultimate Megatron, and not because I want to take over the world or anything. Have you seen the world? It’s a mess. Who wants to run a mess? I have a hard enough time remembering to hoover.

From my admittedly crap science brain (look I got a C at GCSE, what do you want from me?) here are the five key areas that must be fulfilled to create the ultimate Megatron:

Scary
Goofy
Competent
Sexy
Have An Arc

Bear with. I break these down below.

Let’s get judgemental.

Okay, you’ve heard it enough from me but now I want to hear it from you all:

Which Megatron is your favourite, and why?

— Becka 🔜 TF Nation 2019 💕 (@tainkirrahe) June 30, 2019

The Scare Factor (Transformers: Prime)

A good villain has to be scary in order to lend gravitas to what they’re trying to achieve, and if that was purely what this contest was rated on then Transformers: Prime Megatron would have the whole shebang in the bag. And then he would probably put that bag in some sort of horrific blender and drink whatever came out because the guy is crazier than a bag full of cats.

Here’s his word cloud of the terms the responses used to describe him:

Yeah, this, basically.

Whilst several people talked about his eventual redemptive arc in the Beast Hunters film, most focused on the fact that the guy was a big terrifying ball of spikes and malice who posed a legitimate threat to Optimus Prime and his merry band of resistance fighters by sheer brute force alone. Megatron may have had an entire army behind him and more brains on him than the usual depiction of the character, but it’s easy for his army to do their jobs when the enemy has already retreated because their general has just snorted a whole bunch of crystal meth and cracked a boulder in half with his head.

The Goofiness Factor (G1 & Unicron Trilogy)

Oh Frank Welker, what did we ever do to deserve you? Not enough, that’s what.

Despite the near legendary status of the G1 designs only a few responses mentioned G1 Megatron, which I find surprising, especially when you consider that Transformers as a fandom is still very much centred around the Sunbow cartoon from 1984-1986; even Hasbro itself is reverting to the aesthetics and world that cartoon brought, for better or worse.

But what isn’t surprising (at least to me) is how the fandom remembers the Big Grey Gun Man – despite the 1986 film ramping his threat status up from Ha Ha He’s Running Away to Holy Shit Now We’re Running Away, many still remember him as, uh, well:

Iconic.

It seems that the general consensus of Sunbow Megatron that, whilst certainly recognisable, he’s just a bit of a doof and not taken anywhere near as seriously as the Megatrons who followed him.

The Unicron Trilogy Megatron seems to have had the same fate, although not quite as badly as his sample pool was tiny:

Not as iconic, but still very Megatron.

Oh, and a grand total of one person talked about G1 Marvel Comics Megatron. They described him as a “putz”. Really, there’s not a lot more I can say about that. Except that “putz” is a good word.

Putz.

The Competency Factor (Transformers: Animated)

You probably expected Beast Wars to appear in the subheading above, but you’d be wrong. Whilst he was the most intelligent Megatron to grace our eyeballs in 1996, the silky voiced Tyrannosaurus Rex has a category all of his own below.

Instead, sheer bloody competency falls instead squarely on the broad shoulders of the equally seductive Transformers: Animated Megatron, whomst Transformers Twitter decided by an overwhelming majority was a) the best one and also b) the most terrifying one because of just how capable he was – even when reduced to just a head in Professor Sumdac’s laboratory.

So he’s a bit brainy then, eh?

Most Megatrons have a temper that eventually snaps and ruins their plans – but TFA Megatron is the cool, calm, stoic, patient plotter that our ideal Megatron candidate clearly needs to be at spark. He’s not the brute archetype exemplified by G1 and TFP Megatron; he’s the guy who sits and bides his time and then strikes when he deems the iron is hot enough, even if he has to set it on fire himself to do so.

The Sex Appeal Factor (Beast Wars)

We live in the blessed time of galactic hyper space year 2019, in which people are free to fancy consenting adults of their choice so long as they’re not weird about it, and therefore naturally some of the answers mentioned the, ah, aesthetics of certain Megatrons.

Whatever it was we as a race did to deserve Frank Welker, take that and double it for David Kaye: Transformers Twitter is incredibly thirsty for the man’s vocal chords, and with good reason. Beast Wars may have had some slightly dodgy (unfinished, badly textured) CGI when it first premiered in 1996, but it did boast an incredibly impressive voice cast that helped to make it the memorable show that it was. Scott McNeil is the one we all whisper about in hallowed tones as we consider that most of the show is just him having a nice natter to himself, but we also can’t drop enough praise on Gary Chalk and David Kaye for giving us another unforgettable Prime/Megatron pairing.

Beast Wars Megatron is interesting because whilst I have (jokingly – everyone fancies every Megatron, it seems) put him under the sexy subheading, he also exemplifies the first two qualities we have discussed: he’s terrifying, and he’s also goofy as hell.

He’ll kill you, but you’ll have a whale of a time with the whole experience.

I’m not sure how many of these answers carry the above forward to Beast Machines, the black sheep of the franchise in which Megatron develops a taste for tying himself to the ceiling and wearing a shower curtain he found in B&M Bargains and everything is Grimdark and Very Serious, but in the meantime we can all universally agree that whilst TFA Megatron might be the quickest to secure a victory, BW Megatron would have the most fun doing it.

The Character Arc Factor (IDW 2.0 &Bayverse)

Transformers Twitter identified having a character/redemptive arc to be an essential ingredient for two Megatrons: More Than Meets The Eye/Lost Light’s Autobot Megatron, who probably doesn’t surprise you, and Bayverse Megatron, who probably does. Several also mentioned TFP Megatron’s arc, but it is less pronounced that the other two (and certainly more rushed), so I have left it with a mention above.

If there’s one thing you can say for MTMTE/Lost Light’s Autobot Megatron, it’s that he’s the giant robot version of the popular British toast-improver Marmite (shut up it is). You either love the fact that the writers tried something new with a tired old character and in doing so raised some significant questions about the morality of forgiveness, or you think a mass-murdering genocidal maniac being spared prison time wasn’t that great an idea in the first place. Whichever half of the coin you find yourself on, the arc itself has become an important part of IDW Megatron’s character now that that universe’s story is complete and finished, and arguably it does flesh him out in a way that had not been properly explored before.

This is so sad, Alexa, play The Touch.

But also of consideration is Bayverse Megatron. A lot of fans like to snigger behind their hands at the Michael Bay films for having ridiculous stories that make no sense, because those fans apparently have never watched the original G1 cartoon. (A lot more people take issue with Bay’s casual use of racism and misogyny and – yeah, that’s the real issue to discuss right there). But if you watch Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen, and Dark of the Moon – the Shia Trilogy – you will notice that this Megatron has the best character arc of any of the other characters. Tumblr user trinarysuns has created a fascinating breakdown of the evolution of this Megatron which first tipped me off to this, but it was also mentioned by other Twitter users among the consensus that Bay Megatron is a babe:

This is remarkably less tragic, Alexa, play Death Of Optimus Prime.

Perhaps I should have put him under the ‘sexy’ subheading after all.

Conclusion

Well, there we have it: the essential ingredients of what makes Megatron…Megatron. These aspects may be shared amongst a handful of different interpretations, but slap them all together and you’ll have yourself the best possible incarnation of the giant metal man with the good legs.

Pictured: good legs.

In terms of popularity, TFA and BW Megatrons were by far the most mentioned and discussed (and, to my mind, are the closest to possessing all aspects mentioned), with TFP Megatron taking second place. G1 and Unicron Trilogy were hardly mentioned, and RID was woefully under-represented.

The Machinima Megatron was mentioned twice, but the data here is far from clear as he was defined as:

Having >:3c energy
Being an asshole

And being An Old Person I don’t know if these two qualifiers are mutually exclusive or not.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, the police are here to escort me out of this Wendy’s. Apparently I’ve been hogging all the free wifi.

Breaking Up With the Bay Movies

Posted on January 4, 2019 by tainkirrahe

In 2008, I was a second year university student with social awkwardness up the wazoo, no IRL friends, very low self-esteem, and depression that had yet to find the right medication. In short, I was a bit of a mess. This might not seem relevant to multimillion blockbuster action movies, but I promise it is – I’m afraid I’m gonna go a bit Please Just Get To The Recipe at the beginning, but it’ll all make sense at the end. Maybe.

Anyway, 2008. I was back home staying with my folks over summer and mum and I had Done Capitalism Good and popped into town for a spot of shopping. We were in HMV, looking for a movie to bung on the box that night, when I spotted a title that piqued my interest:

Has giant robots (we all love sci-fi)
Explosions (we all love action)
Michael Bay (The Rock was one of my favourite action movies at the time)
Shia Labeouf (we had just watched Constantine again the previous week) and Hugo Weaving (my parents are huge LOTR fans)

And it was called…Transformers. Neither mum or I knew what this meant, because we had somehow lived for 47 and 19 years respectively without ever having heard of Hasbro’s once-juggernaut toy franchise (imagine, if you will, a world in which I didn’t know who Megatron was. That’s how grim my life was in 2008). I very nearly put the film back. It was £7, and did I want to spend £7 on a movie I’d probably only ever watch once?

Did I also mention that whenever I have a depressive episode I buy a load of crap to make me feel better?

So I bought the movie. And we watched it. And we loved it. I clearly remember dad making his “I am impressed with this movie” noise when Blackout first transforms. I remember feeling a tingly sense of awe when Optimus Prime introduces himself. I loved the music (like or loathe the Bay films, we can all agree that Steve Jablonsky rocks). I even liked the human characters, although always Mikaela before Sam. And when Megatron wrenched himself free of the ice at the end I think some part of my mind that had been shut off for years opened with a loud crack and screamed THAT ONE. I LIKE THAT ONE.

The rest is history.

Six movies, multiple cartoons, a few comics, and gods alone know how much money I’ve spent on toys later, and I’m a firm Transformers fan. I love the lore, I love the world, I love the fact that any character I like will typically have at least one toy for my shelf, but above all else – I love the community. That shy 19 year old whose own head was trying to do her in found a place she fitted and belonged, and because of that I was willing to give the Bay films a lot of goodwill. Had I not picked up that DVD, I would not have found my place in the world. So yeah, they’re a bit ‘splodey. And yeah, they’re a bit sexist. And yeah, they’re…really quite racist. But! Without them I wouldn’t be here! So, to my mind, that made them OK.

That’s not to say I didn’t understand the criticism, or that I was blind to it. I understood full well that Skids and Mudflap were, to put it politely, Problematic As Fuck. I understood that Bay treats his female characters as either harpies or sex goddesses with very little agency (at least, as far as the camera work was concerned). I hated the comic relief characters as much as everybody else. And I began to tire of the repetative action scenes that had very little coherency. But, with each instalment, I was also content to go to the cinema and spend my £12 and be entertained for a couple of hours – especially if I got to see my robots.

And they were my robots; the Bayformers were my first, my comparison point, my G1, and therefore I could appreciate all that came before and after by benchmarking them against the Bayverse. In all honesty, I think I love all versions of Transformers because my nostalgia is strictly tied to something that only happened a decade ago, and therefore none of the changes the franchise has endured really resonate with me all that much; my inner child was as grown up as my outer child when I first popped in that DVD, so there was nothing to ‘betray’.

Hell, I even enjoyed The Last Knight, which was less a film and more a bunch of expensive shots strung together with Sir Anthony Hopkins hired to give it a lick of authenticity. But I also recognised that the franchise at this point was beginning to creak and show signs of fatigue, and the Box Office seemed to agree with this; something had to change. The films had to take on a new direction. And I was stoked for Bumblebee doing just that.

And I was right to be stoked for Bumblebee. The film is beautiful, a love letter to both the much-coveted G1 aesthetic and story with a grateful nod to the mainstream-appeal the Bay films had used to reignite the brand at a time when it wasn’t faring too well. It had genuine heart and soul, human characters who cared about the Transformers as well as each other, and a comforting familiarity with other films like The Iron Giant and ET. I disagree vehemently that it’s meant to be a Bay prequel owing to the sheer amount of stuff we now know was cut and the glaring continuity errors the bigwigs at Paramount seem dead-set on ignoring or retconning somehow, but it’s all moot anyway if it doesn’t rake in the cash. If you’re on the fence, go see it. It’s not a waste of anyone’s time.

But that’s not the point.

The point is that a week ago, I rewatched Dark of the Moon – which I had not seen for a couple of years at that point, but had fond memories of. Megatron as a brooding desert nomad! Optimus betrayed by his old friend and mentor, Mr Spock! Ironhide’s betrayal! That bangin’ soundtrack! Yeah! Let’s do this!!

But as I watched it, curled up in bed in the dark with the last of my Christmas chocolate and my Twitter pals keeping me company, a slow, creeping, unwelcome horror crept upon me.

I hated it.

Not disliked. Not was annoyed by. Actively hated what I was sitting through. It was obnoxious, irritating, badly paced, and worst of all it was so loud – by the time the final fight in Chicago blazed onto my laptop screen I had a headache and had to turn the film off out of genuine irritation of what it was doing to my eyes and ears. Worse still, all the parts I’d remembered fondly were just…not really there. They happened, sure, but they lacked the emotional investment I’d made in them when I first saw the film.

And…well…I had seen them done better. On Boxing Day, when I saw Bumblebee. I had seen that it was possible to make a live action Transformers film that wasn’t just a crazy irritating mess that glorified the army to the exclusion of character depth and genuine emotion. I had seen that it was possible to have a human protagonist who actually had a sense of chemistry with a CGI robot. I had seen that it was possible to have a family dynamic that was broken, but that all parties were working to fix. And, worst of all, I had seen that it was possible to create action set pieces that were clear to follow and exciting because you could work out what was going on.

I now have no desire to revisit any of the other films. I might occasionally watch a few robot-centric scenes on YouTube when the fancy takes me, but the prospect of watching any of them again beginning to end just makes me feel vaguely disquieted. I could make a generic statement like “Bumblebee ruined the Bay films for me”, but I don’t think that’s fair to me or to Travis Knight for making such a kickass movie. I think the problems I now have with the Bay franchise were always there, but I was just so grateful to them for existing and drawing me into this world that I was willing to overlook them. But now that I’m here – now that I know better? I don’t know. I just don’t think I need the films any more.

That’s not to say I’m disparaging anyone who continues to like them. If you do, more power to you! And I still love the designs of the robots – I’ve always been into weird alien aesthetics being applied to recognisable people-like things – and I am fervently waiting to see what other goodies the Studio Series toyline will be bringing us because damn son those toy designers have been knocking it out of the goddamn park. But I think…as far as the films are concerned…I’m done. I’ve taken what I can from them, and they have nothing more to offer me.

It’s a depressing thought. Kinda like the first time you stop and think “wait, how many calories does this Happy Meal have?” or “but you said getting a degree would help me get a job?” or “wait, you mean I have to pay for petrol to make the car go? But I already paid for the car?” Those sometimes unwanted adult thoughts of realising the world isn’t quite as polished as child!you thought it would be, and that now you’re leaving childhood behind you can never go back to the more simplistic reality that had cushioned you.

I’m sorry, Mr Bay. I just…I don’t like your movies any more. And I really, really hope that Bumblebee is a sign to Hasbro that it’s time to move on from them, because we need that change. We need people to like Transformers films again. Such are the ways of the $.

Top 12 Transformers of 2018

Posted on December 21, 2018 by tainkirrahe

Aight, we all know how this works: I pick my 12 favourite Transformers from 2018 and write all about them in a really longwinded way because I suck at shortform and hmmm? What was that? Why 12? Ah, well, that does have a short answer: 6 Megatrons, 6 non-Megatrons. Why 6? Because odd numbers make me nervous and I can’t be arsed to do 8 apiece.

But before I start – a quick guide explaining my personal criteria when assessing a toy. It’s a simple, three-part process:

Is it fun to play with and pose?
Does it look like the character it’s meant to look like in the continuity that it’s referencing?
If not, does it carry its own style well?

Begin.

The Megatrons

6. Honorable Mention: Beast Wars Transmetal Megatron [1998]

Ah, Transmetal Megatron. How I love thee. Let me count the ways: 1) you haven’t broken yet 2) please don’t break 3) no I’m never putting you back in dinosaur mode you shed enough plastic as it was transforming to robot mode 4) Hasbro why did you use this goddamn plastic to make such a beautiful toy I can never play with again 5) *incoherent screaming*

Don’t move. His ability to stay in one piece is based on movement.

Or, to put it another way, had I bought the Japanese Metals version instead which didn’t have any problems of the Crumbly variety, Transmetal Megatron would have easily scraped the #2 slot on my Megatron list. As it stands he is at the back of a shelf and I worry that one day he will simply turn to dust, not unlike Spider-Man in Infinity War and oh no now I’m sad all over again.

5. Cyberverse Leader Class Megatron [2018]

Cyberverse Leader Class Megatron is the dumbest thing Hasbro have ever made, and I love him.

Just. Just look at him:

He still doesn’t understand why Optimus won’t take him seriously.

Yes, I know the head is meant to be down for the tank mode. But that would utterly ruin this figure. This figure’s chief, crowning glory is that it is entirely nonsensical. And that’s brilliant. He’s a big old chunk of Megatron who is broad and tall and heavy and can’t really move around that much, but that’s okay because what he lacks in posability he more than makes up for in personality. He just screams grumpy old man having a bad day so he’s gonna make you have a bad day, and that’s quintessential Megatronness, that is.

I’ve entered him at #5 because his lack of posability makes his playability rather limited – there’s only so many ways to move a robot with no elbows or knees – but when you do pick him up you’ll find it hard to put him back down again.

And he has a turret that looks like a –

…Firework. Why, what did you think I was going to say?

4. Mastermind Creations (MMC) Tyrantron (IDW Autobot Megatron) [2017]

I haven’t read the IDW comics. Before I get six zillion tweets telling me to read them, yes, I know they’re amazing and I love what they have done for the Transformers universe and that they actually took time to look at social issues that would plague a robot society but I just. don’t. want. to. read. them. I am happy admiring their character designs and arcs from afar and buying good toys and generally getting on with my life.

I’m also still on the fence about Autobot Megatron as a thing in itself. On the one hand, it was an excellent opportunity to study the concept of redemption using a character who is so morally reprehensible, who has done things that most of us can only have nightmares about after we’ve really gunned the cheese that evening, who has killed more people than there are stars in the sky and therefore any punishment visited upon him will never reach the magnitude of the fuckshittery that he unleashed upon the universe even if you were to kill and revive him a million times…but on the other hand, I really feel like just pretending he was a poetic woobie who made a mistake and is all better now is a depiction that really didn’t do Megatron as a character any justice.

And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

MMC Tyrantron, on the other hand, I just plain love.

My first thought as I took him out of the package is “he looks like he just stepped off a comicbook page”, and that for me is his chief strength. He’s unique against other Transformers in my collection because of his style, but that style isn’t so exaggerated that it looks out of place. (Ditto for his extra accessories which allow you to transform hahaha him into his younger miner self which are an excellent addition that wasn’t needed but is very much appreciated). His champagne-coloured paintwork is also a unique shade of silver that I haven’t seen before or since, and he just generally looks nice. Add to that some really good posability and expressiveness, and it’s no wonder he’s one of my favourite toys to work with when I’m making photocomics.

Alas, poor me. And also this dead dude whose head I found I guess.

He just looks so up himself all the time. It’s great.

3. The Last Knight (TLK) Voyager Megatron & Wei Jiang Rendsora [2018]

20181222_132409-01

The Last Knight Voyager Megatron is the best non-Studio Series Movie toy that Hasbro has ever made. Yeah, I’m serious. He’s a legend. In robot mode, he has no kibble. In vehicle mode, he has no kibble. The transformation is staggeringly simple but also employs a lot of moves I simply haven’t seen before. He’s super duper posable and comes with a really cool sword. And he’s the best plastic incarnation of my favourite Movie Megatron design. What’s not to love?

You will love this version of Megatron or so help me we will be having words.

Whilst a lot of folks have opted to buy Wei Jiang’s KO upscale because a) tall and b) diecast, I can’t give Rendsora this win on his own. After all, it’s Hasbro who have done all the hard work here; Wei Jiang copied their homework verbatim and tried to pass it off as their own essay because it’s in different handwriting with a fancier pen. Both lads are valid, but if you’re looking for a recommendation then I would suggest that you get the pair. Next to Rendsora the Voyager’s smaller size is charming, whilst next to the Voyager Rendsora’s slightly altered colour palette really pops. They’re complementary in the best way.

Transformers: The Last Knight Part 2: There Are Two Knights Now, Suck It Earth

2. Perfect Effect Mega Doragon (Beast Wars Transmetal 2 Megatron) [2018]

I’ll be frank: when I first saw Mega Doragon’s solicitation images late last year, I had two simultaneous thoughts: 1) there is no way the toy will be that sexy in real life because that is a) illegal and b) impossible, and 2) I really need to get back to watching Beast Wars so I can understand why Megatron was turned into a sexy dragon man from being a sexy dinosaur man.

At the time of writing this post I am unfortunately still only on The Agenda Part 2 because I actually suck at watching television (I blame Netflix’s easy binge seshes that actually make me nervous about gunning whole shows now because of that emptiness you feel afterwards) but I am more than happy to report that yes, it is possible for a toy to be this sexy IRL. Every time I look at Mega Doragon I have to stop and go “…how??” to myself whilst basking in his majesty because Primus he is gorgeous.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because I’m an asshole.

And because he is gorgeous I am willing to forgive some of the flaws which would otherwise keep me from enjoying another figure not quite so gorgeous – for example, the ‘shield’ on his right arm which for me is just a tiny bit too big and restricts his movement, and the fact that once his dragon-tail is equipped it’s quite difficult to move his head without popping one of the balljoints out. These are minor complaints, but Mega Doragon cost £140 and minor niggles become major ones the more pennies you shell out on a toy. I have seen many people over on TFW2005 complaining that he also has a balancing issue because of the heavy wings on his back, but honestly I have never had this – I’ve stood him up on thick carpet, thin carpet, and my desk and had no issues.

So if he’s so absolutely stunning why don’t you just marry him, Becka, why isn’t he in my #1 spot? That’s actually quite simple: his playability, for me, isn’t great. He is bursting with personality and has a really quite good range of joints, not to mention is the only figure I’ve spent over £100 on this year that I have actually had the guts to transform because the process is intuitive and fun, but I just don’t want to do any of the usual things I do with my toys with him – i.e. photocomics and taking them to work as my #deskbot. For a start, both his paint and his wings are incredibly delicate and have already been scratched despite me being more careful than usual, which on a toy this good-looking just makes me feel guilty. My MP36 has a lot of chips and paint-rub but for some reason that just makes him feel like he’s mine; on Mega Doragon, it makes me feel like I’ve just spilt custard on the Mona Lisa. And then tried to lick it off and made it all worse.

(No that doesn’t mean I lick my toys it’s a metaphor jesus chri-)

Second place? Second place. That will not do, no. We’ll show them, won’t we Ducky-Poo? Yeeees. Yes, we will.

Secondly, whilst I have had no balance issues with him and love posing him and taking photos of him, he just doesn’t work well with other figures in my collection. Perfect Effect have given him a very distinct style, but it’s so distinct that he feels like he’s from a whole other toyline and doesn’t really “fit” in Transformers. Don’t get me wrong, Mega Doragon is beautiful and I recommend him to everyone. It’s just that, like the character he’s based on, he’s just too damn beautiful for his own good.

I really wish Beast Wars had been made in the 2010’s so that Megatron could have been an Instagram-obsessed selfie fanatic. Yes, I’m serious.

1. Generations: War for Cybertron: Siege Voyager Class Megatron [2018]

I have to admit, Siege as a concept made me wary. The early product shots looked both similar enough to feel like a re-tread, and stylistically different enough to rankle my They Changed It Now I Have To Reconsider If I Like It buzzer. (I really do try to ignore that buzzer, but we all have one and you know as well as I do that the volume control sometimes goes a little haywire when knee-jerking is involved). Titans Return and Power of the Primes, whilst plagued with QC issues and slavishly adhearing to the headmaster gimmick even when it didn’t make sense, had managed to dig a bit deeper into the Hasbro archives than usual and spat out more interesting characters like Krok and Sky Shadow as a result, making it feel like the Transformers universe itself was a tiny bit bigger than usual. Going back to the same Generation One Season One Cartoon Cast after that, especially as Siege was announced roughly around the IDW comics coming to an end, the Bumblebee Movie being pegged as a soft reboot, and Hasbro’s push towards homogenising the brand made me all kinds of nervous. G1 might be my favourite continuity, but it’s not the only continuity and it certainly hasn’t been the thing keeping Transformers alive all these years. My inner Beast Wars fan was particularly miffed by this direction.

This miffment (if that’s not a word I’m copyrighting it, it’s my word now) lasted right up until I received Siege Megatron from Kapow Toys. I wouldn’t say I fell in love the moment I laid eyes on the packaging, but I fell in love the moment I laid my eyes on the packaging. Transformers packaging, for me, has been so boring for so long – seeing the oddly-shaped Siege box plastered with interesting colours and font choices really set it apart from…well, most other boxes containing robots I’ve received this year.

And handling Siege Megatron for the first time made me realise that Hasbro has this Siege toy line thing sorted. They’ve obviously gone back and looked at the Unicron Trilogy and its obsession with Minicons and translated that over to just how many weapons it’s possible to plug into a single figure (Cog, naturally, is taking this To The Extreme) and as a result created a line with really, really good playability. You’ll notice in the photo that Siege Megatron is holding his sword, and is the only figure to be pictured holding a weapon that isn’t attached somehow – that’s because it just feels wrong taking it off him. This is a figure that is meant to be holding a sword at all times. And that statement is coming from me, a person who immediately confiscates all packaged weapons as soon as a toy is out of its packaging to throw them into a different box and never look at them again.

Compensating for something there are we, hmmmm?

Siege Megatron also carries what I would call “The Essence Of G1 Megatronness”; sure, he’s a tank now – with the Decidedly Not Cartoon Accurate treads discreetly folded against his back – but he has the calculating scowl, the bucket head, the dull grey plastic, and the body proportions that just scream Generation One but he still feels like a different, new toy. This isn’t just MP36’s robot mode downscaled, but his own thing. And hell, I even like the mud splashes. I like that. Even if they make no sense because there’s no mud on a planet made of metal come on Hasbro that’s basic ecology that is.

The Non-Megatrons

6. Ultra Maxmas (IDW Optimus Prime) [2017]

I’m gonna be perfectly honest here: it’s the ears. I mean, the antennae. I mean…the adorable antennae ears. I have been assured by a friend (hi Andrew!) who loves Third Party toys for their engineering that Ultra Maxmas is exquisite and I fully believe him, but I am all about his personality and for me his personality is 99.9% them antennae-ears.

Ssshh. He can hear you.

He’s also a hefty lad with a surprising amount of diecast, and the lankiest Prime to date. And he’s quite faithful to that one time in IDW comics that Optimus Prime had really long antennae-ears. What I’m trying to say is: wow he cute, look them ears! Awwww.

5. MMC Boreas (IDW MTMTE/LL Cyclonus) [2017]

As I said way up in my MMC Tyrantron review, I don’t read the IDW comics. But I do love me a good Cyclonus, and I feel like the teasing and release of Fans Toys Quietus has overshadowed this poor boy somewhat when he’s perfectly brilliant all on his own. He has oodles of personality, helped by his plentiful posability and some really quite wonderful wrist tilts, and is a lovely shade of blue that never photographs well but is a pleasure to look like in the real world.

20181222_142629-01

…And now I have to address his only, glaring flaw: he has a weird head. There’s no way around this one. The head is far too narrow and has a shape not unlike an almond, which when combined with the sculpt they’ve chosen makes it just look increasingly odd the more you stare at it. This is irrelevant when looking at the figure head-on, but any kind of sideways turn immediately clues you in and it is just a very strange design choice.

Darling I love you, but why.

He’s otherwise still very lovely though, especially if you perform a teeny bit of custom work and deploy the IDW face on the alternate head with two horns.

4. Power of the Primes Legends Slash [2018]

“We’re going to make a new dinobot,” said Hasbro. “And she’ll be a girl!”

“Oh god,” said Becka, remembering the last time a company made a dinobot who was also a girl.

20181222_134511-01

“It’s okay,” said Hasbro, “we’re not Third Party! We’re not going to give her really obvious boobs which makes no sense either for a dinosaur nor for a lizard dinosaur. We’re going to make her wiry and cute and fun, with a bajillion joints and so much pizzazz that she’ll instantly improve any shelf she’s put on just by virtue of being there. And you can open her mouth in dinosaur mode so that it looks like she’s just told a really bad joke!”

“Oh good,” said Becka, forking over a wodge of cash in Forbidden Planet.

20181222_134528-01

3. Studio Series Voyager Starscream [2018]

Dorito Starscream is valid and has been since 2007. Literally in my case, considering he was my first introduction to Starscream as a character, and as I began with the Bayverse I’ve never experienced the aversion to their designs that plague so many other fans. I have had, however, an incredibly odd relationship to the Movie toys in that they look like the characters, which is great, but they’re also kibble-laden messes that make them incredibly hard to pose and transform, which is not great.

This is why if I had to give an award for Best Toyline of 2018, I’d firmly stick that hypothetical medal to the chasses of all the figures released under the Studio Series line. Hasbro have clearly learned from a decade of Movie toy engineering and are currently in the midst of releasing The Most Bestest Versions of every character to have ever graced our screens. For full disclosure, I currently own Starscream, Megatron, Ironhide, Ratchet, Bumblebee (VW Beatle), and Optimus Prime (Revenge of the Fallen) and I love them all to pieces.

Look at him. Adorable.

But Starscream juuuuust stands a few inches above the rest in terms of – well, everything. He’s fun to pose in robot mode, his transformation is a delight (he’s essentially the Dark of the Moon Deluxe but blown up with a few slight alterations), and I really love the oatmealish colours they’ve chosen for him – they make his design pop. He also seems the most cohesive, and whilst mine has a mild QC issue (his, uh, pelvic flap keeps falling down) he’s the one I pick up and play with the most.

Will I be buying the version with the RotF tattoos? Jury’s still out. He looks brilliant, but then again who knows how many characters we’ll be having to buy by then. We might even get a 2007 Leader Class Megatron! (Shout out to my fellow lack-of-2007-Megatron-sufferererer Vangelus. We’ll get there. One day).

2. Power of the Primes Deluxe Blot & Rippersnapper [2018]

Blot and Rippersnapper are a Big Highlight for me in Galactic Hyper Space Year 2018 because, to be honest, I’m not all that bothered about Transformers what turn into monsters and stuffs – Beast Wars included. I like that show for its lore and characters, but the aesthetics are still a wee bit iffy for me. I like Transformers that are actually trying to hide, as opposed to Transformers who pull a half-arsed gorilla out of another half-arsed gorilla and no I’m not salty about Season One Monkey Dad turning into some bright blue gorilla nonsense in Season TwO YOU ARE SHUT UP

What d’you want to do today, Rippersnapper?

But these boys are lovely and really show off the simple yet adaptable engineering that has gone into the Combiner Wars/Titans Return/Power of the Primes trilogy lines. They both essentially do the same thing – turn from a boxy robot into some kind of monster – but feel so different and their colour schemes mark them out as unique against the rest of my toy shelves.

The same thing we do every day, Blot: try to be taken seriously.

Plus, they’re just damned adorable. Look at them. Aww.

1. Power of the Primes Leader Class Optimus Prime [2018] & Powermaster Optimus Prime [1988]

Power of the Primes Leader Class Optimus Prime and Powermaster Optimus Prime are the exact same toy, just displaced by 30 years each way. What you basically have here is a time machine that lets you look back into the imaginations of the toy designers in the 1980’s (Powermaster Prime) whilst also being able to guess how their toys would have ended up had they employed the use of ball joints (PotP Prime).

For those not in the know, both toys feature a smaller robot who turns into the cab of a truck, who can then curl up and fold into the trailer of the truck to make a larger robot. In essence, you have Orion Pax transforming into Optimus Prime – although Powermaster Prime, as I understand it, is just Optimus Prime turning into a taller Optimus Prime. Presumably to trample all over Rodimus Prime’s dreams and confidence, idk.

I got Power of the Primes Optimus Prime first because, to me, he’s the closest in aesthetics we’ve gotten to the G1 cartoon and I do love me some screen accuracy. (Yes, I am including MP44 in that assessement – there’s just something about him that doesn’t look right to me). When a friend then offered their Powermaster Prime for sale I only bought him because of the PotP figure, and I am so glad that I did. Both toys are hours of fun – just…you have the little robot, and you can make him a truck, and you can make the armour the trailer, then boop! Suddenly! Big robot! Stomp stomp stomp! Evil cackling! OPTIMUS CAN BE THE BAD GUY IF I WANT HIM TO BE, MUM.

The man, the legend, the brick.

I also really dig the aesthetics of Powermaster Prime – he’s peak 1980’s Square Robot and his blank flace is very reminscent of the original 80’s artwork for G1 Optimus Prime. He’s so…of his time, you know? But in a way that’s also perfectly timeless. I’m pushing 30 so I can’t speak for The Youth Of Today, but I do have the feeling that if you were to show ol’ Powermaster Prime to a modern kid they’d still dig his gimmicks. Right before they break the legs, of course. Thanks for the heads-up on that, Sixo!

20181222_135218-01

So, that was 2018 in Transformers for me. I have to admit I bought way too many this year and I’m going to look to cutting down on spending in 2019 in anticipation of several Very Good But Expensive Boys being released in the first quarter (hellooooo MP Beast Wars Megatron and Unique Toys R-03 Mega!), but I’m pleased with them all and really looking forward to the direction the franchise is taking now – especially with the Bumblebee Movie getting rave reviews.

I hope everyone reading this will have or has had a very excellent holiday season!

20181222_142433-01

Knackered Robots: The Blog

Why Throw Away Your Spare Time So Recklessly?

Transformers